TMI

OK, so maybe you should hide just a little bit.

Quite a while ago I wrote about the need to show "selective vulnerability" with your networking contacts. We need to be prepared to open up a little bit to those around us so that they can connect to us as a human being. It's that personal connection that makes our network so powerful. Unfortunately, a lot of people aren't really comfortable doing this. That's OK, just be patient with yourself and you will get there.

Just don't go too far.

I was at a networking event not long ago. As I was getting a seat for the presentation, I couldn't help but overhear the conversation between two of the folks at the table.

One young woman (who shall remain nameless -- mainly because I never caught her name) was telling a remarkable story about breaking up with her significant other. I won't go into the details, but suffice it to say the story would not have been out of place on some of the racier soap operas. I felt a little embarrassed even to have overheard this tale of woe.

Then I looked at the other woman.

The expression on her face was an amazing combination of disgust, horror, confusion and boredom. She didn't contribute to the conversation at all and seemed only to be waiting for it to end. Apparently she was, because a few minutes after I sat down, she turned away from the sob story to introduce herself. Miss Lonely Heart, having lost her audience, drifted away, much to my new acquaintance's relief. It turned out that the two women had only met in passing once before.

"I guess I just have one of those faces that says 'Tell me your troubles'" she laughed.

While she had a pretty good attitude about the whole situation, it was pretty obvious that the other woman had gone down more than a few notches in her opinion. So that we don't fall into this limiting behavior, here are a few ideas about "oversharing".

1. Consider your audience. If it's something you should normally only share with your spouse, best friend, or mental health professional, don't. I know it seems kind of obvious, but some folks don't have their social guidelines nailed on too tightly.
2. Consider the innocent bystanders. Even if you are speaking to an appropriate audience, there will undoubtedly be the occasional person who might be close enough to overhear, especially in a large event setting such as the one I described. You never know who you might be making uncomfortable.
3. Consider your attitude. In general, people don't like associating with negative people. You may be going through some dark times right now, but the more you can focus on the bright points, the more bright points there will be.
4. Consider your reputation. Word of mouth is one of the things you want to achieve with your networking. Which words do you want, the ones about your horrible relationship or most recent physical ailment or the newest exciting adventure you are taking on?

Ultimately what you share with others is how they will perceive you. Choose your conversational topics accordingly.

Image by stock.xchng user ilco

Networking Mental Trash: Worthlessness

You are not an empty coffee cup.

What are you thinking?

No, seriously, when you go to a networking event or show up for a one-to-one over coffee, what are you thinking? It's largely your mental state which will determine the relative amount of success you experience. So, are you thinking about how you can be of service? Great! Or is your head filled with thoughts of making a sale? We've talked about how that can get in the way in the past.

Or maybe there's some other mental trash that blocks your success.

Let's take a look at some of the mental baggage we might be hauling and how we might be better off without it. This is the first of probably many forays into what you can do to throw away these unproductive mental states. Today we are talking about feelings of worthlessness.

Many of the folks who attend my workshops and presentations are "in transition" -- some by their own choice and many not. It's usually from one of the latter group who says something to the effect of, "Why would anyone want to connect with me? I don't have anything to offer."

I will admit, this mindset will limit your networking success, because if you truly have nothing to offer, you are a charity case begging for help or a manipulator and user who is only looking out for his own benefit with no real concern for others. Fortunately, this mindset, while real to those who experience it, has no actual footing in reality.

Here is just a short list of what you have to offer:

• Your prior professional experience. You sold widgets for fifteen years. You have knowledge of the industry and how it evolved. You can say what was wonderful, but also warn about the pitfalls that might await someone in the widget sales industry.
• Your prior personal experience. Maybe you've traveled in foreign lands or to exciting places in your home town. Perhaps you've had an organic garden or have delved into the world of photography. At any rate, there are those out there, irrespective of their career path, who might benefit from access to that knowledge.
• Your network. As your network grows, you will be able to connect more people to each other to their benefit. Remember that you don't have to buy from the people in your network to be valuable to them.
• Your willingness to help. As a great networker, you know that your best quality is to keep your ears open for some way you can help the other person. Sometimes that might just mean helping them brainstorm a new idea, or physically help them with a task, or even just lending a sympathetic ear.
• Your being a fun person. Focusing on the positive and having a ready smile and a warm handshake can go a long way toward being of value to other people. By just being a person that other people would like to be around, you can be a balm to the spirit, a confidant in adversity, and a cheerleader in victory. Just be a good friend.

Ironically, those who suffer from this limited mindset tend to be focused on the wrong person in the equation -- themselves. They know they need something from their network (a job, a client, etc) and they feel like they have nothing to give in return. If instead they focus on what they have to give from the many resources they have at their fingertips, they stop being a gold-digger and start becoming a gold-giver.

Photo by Theresa Iovcheva

At the Bottom of it All

Sometimes we help them stand,
Sometimes they help us stand.

It's not the techniques.

Techniques make you comfortable, efficient, and effective, but won't guarantee networking success.

It's not the events.

Events make it possible for you to meet new people, but meeting new people isn't enough.

It's not the one-to-one's.

One-to-one's give you the opportunity to deepen the relationship, but the relationships aren't enough.

It's not the phone calls, emails, or even the handwritten notes.

They all give you the means to maintain the relationships, but that still isn't enough.

It's not even the referrals you give.

Though, we're getting closer to the mark.

In truth, at the bottom of it all, all of these things are simply tools -- tools that can be used for good or ill. The good networker and the high-pressure sales guy can both use all of these mechanisms. One of them is simply using the tools to build a resource, the other to manipulate a prospect.

No, if we truly get back to basics, the one factor that will make the difference between success and failure in your networking practice is...

You have to care.

You must understand that, while you are networking, it's more important for you to be looking out for the other person's benefit than looking out for your own. Networking only works when you give first and don't worry about whether it will return to you.

The path you build to their success is the one you will walk to reach your own.

Photo by Ned Horton

Focus to the Front

I think I'll just check my messages.

OK, let's be honest. You've heard the siren song call of your smart phone on more than one occasion. How wonderful to be able to check your email inbox, voice mail, or maybe even read a few posts on the social media site of your choice. When you've got a few free moments, why not take care of those little things, right?

To tell you the truth, I have no problem with that myself. Just remember that one of those "free moments" is not when you are sitting at a networking event listening to a speaker. There is only one thing you should be doing at that point -- paying attention.

Why? I mean you're their to connect with other people, right? It's not like you can do that while that person is in the front of the room going on and on about whatever it is. Why couldn't you just sneak a quick peek now and again?

Here are a few ideas that will hopefully keep you on task.

1. Information. OK, this one should be obvious, but conceivably the organizers didn't just pick this person at random. In fact they probably believe that the presenter has some sort of valuable information to convey. You might have something to learn here.
2. Discussion. Paying attention will give you something to talk about with the other attendees and also with those you might meet later who didn't get to attend the presentation.
3. Connection. As a professional speaker myself, I can tell you if you come up to me after I speak and tell me about some specific piece of my presentation that either really spoke to you or that you will use to make your life better, I will pretty much love you forever. Despite appearances, speakers are a bundle of insecurities just like everyone else. They like to know that their efforts haven't been wasted.
4. Reputation. As an audience member, when I see someone near me checking the results of their fantasy football league during a presentation, that person goes down a notch in my eyes. Their inattention tells me that they don't value improving themselves through learning and that they don't have the ability to focus on a situation for longer than a few minutes. Probably not someone I want to refer if I can avoid it.
5. Concentration. Not just for you, but for those around you, you checking your phone can be a distraction.
6. Good manners. (Sorry, I couldn't come up with another "-tion" word.) When it comes down to it, checking your electronic tether is just plain inconsiderate. It disrespects the speaker who has put no small effort into the information she's presenting. It disrespects the even organizer who went to the trouble of arranging the speaker. It disrespects your fellow attendees by creating a disruption, no matter how small.

Of course there will be times when you really do need to be in immediate contact with your home or office. These instances are few and far between. You have to ask yourself the question whether the message that might be waiting is really worth alienating the people you are with right now. Most of the time, unless it is truly a matter of life and death, it isn't.

Whatever it is, it can wait for twenty minutes.

Image by Michal Zacharzewski

Process not Product

Didn't I just clean this yesterday?

Just cleaning the desk isn't enough.

I have a number of friends who are professional organizers. They help people who have challenges dealing with the clutter of modern life. The mistake that most of their new clients make is just wanting help to get things organized. That's part of what happens, but it's not the most important one.

The real trick is coming up with systems and processes so that the newly organized client stays organized.

There's not much point in cleaning up someone's messy desk if they keep the same disorganized attitudes which made things a mess in the first place.

Networking is the same way.

Usually what happens to most people is they run into some difficulty in their life or business. They lose their job or they need a new client or their child needs a connection to get into a good school. When that obstacle crops up, they get busy networking. They spend a lot of time and effort connecting and reconnecting to build a network sufficient to meet their need. Then, when they no longer have that need, they return to their old ways and let that network start to evaporate.

Until the next time they need help.

A better way to approach this is to stop thinking so much about the end product -- getting the client or getting the job, or getting the child into the school -- and think of it more as a process. What behaviors do we have to maintain in order to have a powerful resource that we can call upon when we are in need?

If we focus on sharpening the ax, then we're ready when we have a tree that needs felling.

My Karate instructor, Grand Master Keith Hafner tells us that it's easier to clean something that's already clean rather than wait until it gets dirty. Maintenance is cheaper than repair.

Maintaining your relationships is a lot easier than building new ones every time you need them.

A Time to Connect and a Time to Sell

What happens when you "door-to-door" sell at an event

Networking is not the only way to bring customers to your business.

You've got telemarketing, door-to-door sales, direct mail, and print advertising. Heck, you can even tie a banner behind an airplane and tow it around during the next college football home game. Because networking can take a long time to start paying off -- months or even years -- we should have it as a part of the mix of mechanisms we use to grow and prospect for our business.

That said, each has its time and place. The mistake most people make is thinking that the networking event is a good place to sell.

It really isn't.

I was doing a little casual research lately about sales. For most people trying to sell at a networking event is a lot like a combination of telemarketing and door-to-door sales. By the way, these methods do work to bring customers to your business. One of the articles I read quoted a study by the Direct Marketers Association. Apparently, using a targeted list, you could achieve a response rate of around 6% from cold-calling. Door-to-door statistics were a little harder to determine, but one person wrote that they expected to make a sale about one in forty times that someone answered the door (less than 3%).

Here are a few problems with trying anything like this at a networking event:

• The numbers. Even if you could hope for getting a sale with one in twenty people. Unless every event you attend is with a brand new group, you will have a hard time finding enough folks who haven't already heard your sales pitch.
• The focus. One of the reasons telemarketing achieves such a high rate or response is that they start out with a very targeted list of numbers to call. The average networking event is much more general, so unless you are selling umbrellas in the rain -- your odds are closer to one in forty, one in sixty, one in one hundred, or worse. As those numbers change, it gets even harder to target enough new people to fill your pipeline.
• The time. Even assuming there are enough new people and they are of a sufficiently focused demographic, you then run into the trouble of time. Suppose you need to talk with twenty new people before you can get a sale. Most events I attend have about a twenty to thirty minute window for open networking. Let's see. Doing the math (carry the one), that leaves between 60 and 90 seconds for each conversation. Better not let them talk too much, it will really cut into your pitch time.
• Their attention. When a telemarketer calls or a salesperson shows up at the door, they've got a few seconds of their prospect's undivided attention. How successful would they be if they had to compete with ten other salespeople trying to get the attention of a prospect who is in the middle of a conversation at a party with fifteen of their friends? That pitch had better be fascinating or it won't even rate a second glance. Heck, it won't even rate a first one.
• Your reputation. No one, I repeat, no one, likes to be sold to. If you start pitching every single person you meet at the event, the word will quickly spread to avoid you at all costs. My mom, Debby Peters (aka the "Networking Guru"), refers to this as "commission breath" and there isn't a breath mint made that's strong enough to erase that stench. The equivalent in other sales techniques would be if a neighborhood had a telephone warning system where as soon as the salesman rang the first doorbell, a call went out telling the nearby houses not to answer the door.

Please, understand. I'm not saying that you shouldn't have other forms of prospecting as a part of your business development model. I'm just saying that you must keep them separate. There's a time to every purpose under heaven and the networking event (and the one-to-ones that come about as a result) are no place for a sales pitch.

Photo by Miguel Saavedra

Activity is not Productivity

Are your networking activities leading you
down a path to where you want to go?

How much time did you spend "networking" last week?

How much of that was activity and how much was productivity?

Most people, when they are doing their networking, tend to work on things which aren't as productive as they could be. I'm not just talking about bottom-line, cash-in-the-hand, clients-or-contracts type productivity. I'm also talking about simply building stronger and deeper relationships which create a powerful resource that leads to those other benefits.

Let's look at the difference:

Activity: Going on Facebook (or LinkedIn, or whatever social media site)
Productivity: Engaging other people on Facebook, etc.
Spending an hour playing Farmville is not networking. Reading other people's posts is a good practice -- you can find out more about them and their interests that way. To count your social media time as productive, however, you need to be comment on what they've said or respond to their comments about what you said. That will make you stand out in their minds. Otherwise you are only one of their hundreds of "friends".

Activity: Attending networking events
Productivity: Attending networking events and meeting new people.
Most people just show up at the events and assume that this is sufficient for their networking effort. If you want it to be a productive use of your time, it needs to be more than that. You must have a specific goal for what you want to achieve while you are there -- and that goal can't be "to eat". Only by setting a goal -- specifically to meet new people -- can the event pay off for you.

Activity: Meeting new people at the networking event
Productivity: Following up with new people after the networking event
Just meeting new people isn't enough. Five to ten minutes of conversation doesn't make a long-term, mutually beneficial relationship. Only by following up and meeting with our new connections outside the networking event will those relationships grow from simple awareness to the level of trust, where all the real benefits of your networking kick in.

Activity: Developing your networking systems
Productivity: Developing a networking practice
This is one that tripped me up for quite some time. As a computer programmer, I wanted to develop the perfect web-based application to track and maintain my network. Of course, I couldn't get started networking until I actually had that system in place. Day after day I planned until, finally, my wife said, "Greg, use a spreadsheet and get busy. It will do for now." She was right. In fact, I never did get around to creating that perfect system and I'm still using a couple of spreadsheets to this day (and very happily, thank you). We need to avoid the "constructive avoidance" of creating our tools (whatever that might be for you) and just get busy connecting.

Activity: Clearing out your email/voice mail/mailbox
Productivity: Sending the message/making the call/sending the letter
These are more "constructive avoidance" activities. Others might include sharpening your pencils, organizing your files, cleaning your desk, straightening your office, etc. Set aside your time to network and then do it. No excuses, no distractions, no exceptions. Straightening your desk will not increase the depth nor the numbers of your connections.

Of course, committing yourself to productivity in your networking practice requires a certain amount of self-honesty. So often when it comes down to focusing on our relationships, we want to take the easier path -- the one where we feel like we are getting something done, but requires no real effort or risk on our part. If we aren't careful, though, we'll end up with an uncluttered desk and no real connections.

Your success can tolerate a messy desktop from time to time.

Photo by stock.xchng user ShadowRave